Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Assessing the TriUmvirate of Triquels

I had yet another epiphany, this time it worked it's way into my mind slowly, because I surely always knew it. I always knew that I was being lead by my nose to the theater this summer, back again for the third installments of three different movie franchises, Spiderman, Shrek, and Pirate's of the Carribean. I knew it when I saw the way they were laid out this summer, carefully stepping over each other's toes.

I should have seen it in the careful way things were spun by the movie industry, bemoaning slow weeks early in the spring, as if it is our duty to go see their products in the theaters. Yet it all came together, there waiting to get into Pirates 3. You see, so eager they were to cash in this last chip, they must have had such a short turnover time in their allotted theaters that they couldn't even let us in. Then, the Popcorn was cold.

That was it, treat me like a robot, herd me to the side like livestock, but at least make the popcorn you sell me that is so expensive it should be dipped in gold, warm and palatable. Assholes!

The movie, like I said, it was the last chip, and I'm not a huge fan of that particular franchise. It reminds me of a really bad televison serial called "Danger Island" or something like that. It was on another cartoon show called "Banana Splits" and I am sure I have read the comparison before, as well as to the before-my-time movie serials. The comparison is an accurate one, but the Pirate franchise is born in an era with much better effects, nuch like the superhero genre. Still, with all the effects and the cast which clearly enjoys what it is doing, it's everything disappointing that was supposed to be in Spiderman3.

I imagine Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom sitting around after wrapping up Pirate's 2 and deciding to order another keg and case of whiskey, to stick around another week and film their parts of Pirate's 3.

"Fruck it, let's stay another weeek, film the third part, and then let the CGI crew do the rest. We'll make another fifty bajillion and take next summer off."

Really, the fact that this cast is having a good time filming this comes through clear as a bell, until it gets a bit annoying. Like the sense I got from the Ocean's Eleven-12-13 franchise, you start feeling like you're sitting in on these guy's vacation pics. Fun, but after an hour, anything can get old.

How can I be so into Spiderman and Shrek and fall asleep in Pirate's?

So, to summarize my blind following through the turnstiles for the Summer Blockbuster TriUmvirate of Tri-quels:
Spiderman3 - Not as bad as everyone says, maybe the best of the three
Shrek the Third - Still Funny, and piling it on.
Pirate's of the Carribean - At World's End - Tedious, soon to be a drinking game.

So, I'm done with the theater this year, you hear me Carmike Cinema's? I'm not eating any more shitty $12 popcorn combo's or waiting in line for anything. The most you're getting out of me might be a Tuesday matinee for Fantastic Four, but I'm going to fight the urge for that one too.

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